Love and Rage: Understanding Freud’s Drives in Relationship Struggles

Freud believed that human behavior is shaped by two fundamental forces: the libidinal drive (Eros) and the aggressive drive (Thanatos). These forces influence how we connect, protect, and sometimes push away the people closest to us.

In therapy, clients often wrestle with these inner tensions:

• “Why do I sabotage relationships I care about?”

• “I want closeness, but I also feel overwhelmed by it.”

• “I lash out, then feel guilty. I don’t understand why.”

• “I crave intimacy, but I also fear losing control.”

The Libidinal Drive: Our Need for Connection

Freud’s libidinal drive isn’t just about sex—it’s about love, attachment, creativity, and the desire to bond. It fuels our longing for intimacy, emotional safety, and closeness. When this drive is blocked or distorted, we may feel lonely, disconnected, or emotionally numb.

The Aggressive Drive: Our Need for Autonomy and Defense

The aggressive drive helps us assert boundaries, protect ourselves, and express frustration. But when it’s unchecked or suppressed, it can lead to conflict, passive-aggression, or self-sabotage. In relationships, this drive can show up as defensiveness, withdrawal, or emotional outbursts.

The Push-Pull of Relationships

Freud saw these drives as constantly interacting. We want love—but we also want freedom. We seek closeness—but fear vulnerability. This push-pull dynamic can create confusion, tension, and emotional pain in relationships.

Therapy Can Help

Individual therapy offers a space to explore these inner conflicts, understand how they show up in your relationships, and begin to integrate both drives in healthier ways. You don’t have to choose between connection and protection—you can learn to hold both with awareness and care.

Understanding your inner drives isn’t about labeling yourself—it’s about making sense of your patterns and reclaiming your power to choose how you relate.